Losing an argument to win a partnership

Sometimes you have to lose an argument to win a lasting and rich partnership, marriage experts say. Employing rules of communication focusing on compromise rather than winning will help individuals find solutions to build and enrich their marriages.

"Persevere with determination to arrive at a compromise and you will see that the cloud that oppresses and brings confusion to your situation, will, little by little, lift and bring light and warmth to your home," says marriage and family therapist and director of the Family Bridges program Dr. Alicia La Hoz.

Focus on one complaint at a time. Don't "escalate" a problem by jumping from one subject to another. Avoid raising past disagreements or arguments that you feel might help you make your point. Focus specifically on current issues and leave former criticisms in the past.

Speak for yourself. Be brief and speak for yourself, not for your partner. Your disagreement is not about what you "think" your spouse is thinking. Remember it's impossible to read minds. Thinking for your spouse is confusing and toxic. Stay in the here and now and articulate your own thoughts and concerns.

Listen. Stop talking and listen to what your spouse has to say. The only way to arrive at a compromise is to stop long enough to really consider what your partner is saying. Try to understand your spouse's opinions and take time to recognize his or her concerns. "You have a good point," or "I understand your concern" are affirmations that help couples draw close to one another as they work out solutions to their problems.

Compromise. If you win every argument, your spouse will begin to feel incompetent, ashamed, and oppressed. So you must understand that you cannot always get what you want. It is best to compromise in a marriage, which leads to mutual trust and understanding.