solving problems together

For many couples, problems in marriage are viewed as barriers to happiness. In reality, problems can actually help strengthen individuals and marriages.

Marriage counselors suggest that couples determine the real source of the conflict first, then offer the support necessary to facilitate change.

But offering support isn't always easy. It requires that couples first learn to control themselves individually in word, thought, interpretation and action.

The WORDS you speak affect your spouse. Your words can lift and motivate, or they can insult, criticize. and kill the spirit within a marriage. Take control of your own words.

Our THOUGHTS inform and impact our feelings. If a person thinks negatively, they likely will have a difficult time changing a situation and working with a spouse to overcome a problem. If they are positive, they will have hope and find it easier to work through conflict.

Individuals within a marriage must be careful to accurately interpret any given situation. Some INTERPRETATIONS are closer to the truth than others. Often, couples confuse their own interpretations with actual truth, even when the two are not necessarily related. Marriage counselors caution couples to stay away from trying to "read the mind" of their spouse. Couples should ask for clarification rather than assuming they know what their spouse is thinking.

Partners become responsible in a marriage when they accept the consequences of their own ACTIONS and understand how they impact their spouse. Who made you angry? Who made you scream? Not your spouse. You determine whether or not you scream. The behavior of others may have an impact on you, but you alone determine how you will react to their behavior.

By controlling ourselves individually, we have the opportunity to strengthen and build our spouse. Husbands and wives then can learn to be responsible and strengthen self esteem as they conquer challenges and difficulties.